A lesson in …

… anxiety.

Last week I had a mammogram, the annual check which has been happening for nearly 30 years.
Always the same except for the one eight years ago … the one which was a surprise and not the happy kind. There was swearing that day.

All morning and the days prior I was anxious, but in the morning especially. Much in life in the last nearly three years has effected us all. My work especially has impacted me physically because of the anxiety, the feelings of physical overwhelm. Yesterday morning was a lesson in the things it is appropriate to be anxious about. I noticed it and decided it was totally appropriate to be anxious about cancer and the annual check. So much so this little conversation I had with myself enabled me to put lots of other things in perspective, life and health, body and brain protecting me and saying hey this is something we need to be careful about …

… all clear, another year since that one day almost eight years ago.

Happiness is still …

… my family.

A delayed post, this have filled my head, anxiety has been queen.

But indeed happiness is still my family.

Bubble and picnic, sitting in a park or on the front porch. It kept me going.

But now I have finally seen them all again.

We haven’t all been together since August 1st, the first anniversary of Dad’s death.

The joy of seeing them all in person again filled me with all the feelings. And the occasion my birthday, so it was even more special.

I don’t remember …

… uploading the last two posts in June and July this year. I am wondering how much of this last two years any of us will hold in our long term memories We will hold the feelings, the trauma but perhaps not all of the memories. For that reason I have tried to keep taking photos – as always mostly of the sky and clouds – joy filled photos of life.

When I read the posts from June and July I did remember the visit to Adney Milkbar, a favourite take away place now we are back in lockdown in Melbourne. They know me by my name and me them.

When I remember back I was so happy the WorkSafe inspector was there to do a follow up COVID check. I just felt better about what they were doing. I felt safe.

This last week when going for my coffee one of the lovelies who works there was saying how rude people had been, swearing at them because they were asking people to use the QR code and wear masks at the order window. Some were really rude when being asked not to congregate outside.

What the actual hell?! Use your manners people, none of us want this, like this or need this lockdown – let alone a pandemic. But this is where we find ourselves and there is no reason you cannot use your manners and be pleasant to people. There is no way you were bought up to be rude and uncaring.

We are all sick of it, the lockdown, the COVID, the nightmare … you being a dick does nothing to change the lockdown, COVID nor the nightmare many find themselves in. It just makes you a thoughtless dick.

Happiness is …

… singing to ELO when it comes onto the sound system at the cafe you’re in. and you don’t care, cause you’re so happy

… David Rose and how much pure joy that character brings to my life. Over and over again watching his quirky glorious self.

… is fast service!

… hearing the man with the iPad and lanyard say I’m from the Health Department following up from my last visit.

… the table of COVID age.

Happiness is …

… different things on different days, but what stays constant is the happiness from being with my family.

Sitting on the back verandah reading a book or chattering to my sister in Upwey.

Scones on a Sunday afternoon in KG.

Watching a movie with nephews and a niece late one night in the holidays.

Going on an adventure to the Royal Botanic Gardens, sitting in the shade, reading a book and watching the world around. With sister, nieces, nephew, playing hide and seek, joy!

Freesias my mother’s favourite flowers, the smell and memories.

Cactus garden

A gardens adventure

Smells from my mother’s bulbs

Hello Bellticka

Back veranda sunset

Misty morning

KG veranda view

A little …

… spoiling.

My nails have grown whilst I’ve been on holidays so … had them done. Haven’t done it in years, fingers crossed they don’t react as badly as they did years ago, cause I like them.

Reading …

… update … it has not been how I have spent my days, started that beautiful book but the aching beauty has proved too much to keep going, it was too close to home in so many ways, will dip in and out as I can to keep myself calm.

I have listened to a book and started another, it is not the same but it is books and at the moment that is what I can manage, so being kind to myself about the not real reading judgement.

The Ocean at the end of the lane read by the author Neil Gaiman, was enthralling, it made me think and wonder … ponder what was real and what was imagined.

Blink read by the author Malcom Gladwell, am moving my way through and finding it really interesting, the thinking behind the concept of the snap judgement … will see what I think at the end of this reading.

Am listening to previews … searching for a novel to be read to me next.

Have picked up Dark Emu, but might go back to the Young Dark Emu … it has pictures.

The Rain room was …

… wet.
It was a smokey evening, warm and filled with excitement. Seven kids in tow, who were so excited and did not really understand slow and meditative. We walked slowly droplets got us, but then a child whizzed by with glee and down the rain came.

It was pure joy and I didn’t mind getting wet at all.

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Looking about …

… always looking around, about, up and down.

Spied this in Newport or Williamstown or somewhere on the border of the two, The Beehive from 1889.

Loved the faded signs reminding me of things seen before, a long time ago.

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Reading is …

… or rather was a reliable escape into a world of someone else’s imagination or life.

When did I stop reading?

Why did I stop reading?

How do I start reading again?

I have plans … I’ll read all day Boxing Day … I did not. I’ll read the next day … I did not.

I have picked up a book and started it, little bits of time give to it, but there are days I can spend reading, just reading … why aren’t I?

I’m even doing the dishes, putting away shoes … I will be still and read.

My book of choice is achingly beautiful already.