… I went to a memorial service for a 49 year old woman who I knew, she was a parent of students at my previous school. It was a celebration of who she was but also terribly sad. Twenty seven years married, now she was gone, mother for 17-22ish years, now she is gone, last of the theee children of her parents, now she is gone.
Towards the end of the service there was a timeline of her illness. The cancer came early in 2014, was gone by the end of the year. Then it was back in 2015 found at a regular check up. Treatment, immunotherapy… chemotherapy… then it moved … it went … it took her.
As this was being said I felt my body clench, I feel my breath now shorten as I write. If I was sitting my legs would be jigging up and down, I feel that horrible falling stomach …. at the end when we were standing about a few of us started talking about that timeline, my friend leant over and touched my arm, “You weren’t okay then were you?”
No I wasn’t, it is the fear, it sits below the surface … I thought it was not so dominating but today it consumed me … not for long but for long enough for me to remember that black fear, that is lurks and can take over.