I started …

… a new job. This sums it up.

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Jigsaws …

… are fabulous fun and I remembered that over the holidays.

I got this one but didn’t finish it … packed away carefully to be revisited.

Loved Prague so happy to find this one. Also found one of a Gaudi building in Barcelona and am looking forward to that fun.

On the weekend I got this beauty! It will be fascinating to see how long this takes.

BTW it’s offical I might be old as I need a jigsaw mat!

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Stopped …

… writing … starting again.

This made me smile today.

Other things made me gasp including the child who was so excited she saw me at Coles yesterday – at least I was out of my PJs.

Thing that made me sad and concerned all at the same time – my Dad forgot to tell me my Uncle’s private cremation was today … he told my brother twice but me or my sister and we could have gone. Feel not so good we didn’t go, but memorial service is Saturday I’m going to that.

Anxious making event today something from school not concerning me but I’ve got to sort … remembering how I always used to live in this heightened anxious state.

Started a mindmap today … needs more work … love the physicalness of drawing and writing but should do it online, but not gonna.

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The moon …

… makes me happy.

I noticed the light shining.

Made me smile on the last night of the year.

A walk on the first evening of the new year.

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Imagine if …

… you had a Pensive like Dumbledore … still sometimes I claw at words, grasping, trying to retrieve them from somewhere in my mind. I know they are there somewhere, I have used them before in different circumstances so they exist but alas they elude me.

Back when … my chemical friends were souring through my body hunting and killing my brain was fuzzy and I said the wrong word so many times, it became funny in the end instead of fighting it I just said what was there.

I don’t always remember things now and would like to more readily so if someone has a pensive they are not using at the moment, then send it my way please.

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Spiralling …

… that familiar feeling, that low level anxiety that used to always live with me, impacting my daily life and my thoughts about myself, my work and my life. That feeling that I did not even recognise as anxiety.

It has returned in the last few weeks and it has been like the good old bad old days. I sit and remember what it was like eleven or so years ago when it all started. It is interesting to read eleven years, as it so didn’t start just then, I have no idea how long it has been going but it is finely tuned.

I had a clear mammogram, the third since my cancer and it was something to celebrate but my fast brain kicked in not four steps out of the surgeon’s door, not even at reception and my brain was saying well that is three years but you need to hold off until it is five years. Who does that? How does that automatic thought kick in faster than I can even comprehend, it grabs me before I have had time to even think let alone celebrate.

So I am doing a thought diary, I resisted and I ignored it for some days and then when I realised this was not a feeling I liked and this was not something I had to allow to continue, that I knew strategies that worked before and that I could at least try again …. then I started to write. I wrote a few things down and they went away …. remember, that is what happens, remember, remember, remember!

So back to it I went this evening, writing so much I have run out of space which I guess will give us lots to talk about … and now I am trying to remember to breathe because that works almost instantly. Breathe … one, two, three, four … hold … one, two three, four … breathe not with the chest but with the abdomen … you know how so just get on with it.

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A late walk …

… the sky was blue, the sun was still shining and I was smiling.
It is daylight saving time – the best time of the year!

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