… that familiar feeling, that low level anxiety that used to always live with me, impacting my daily life and my thoughts about myself, my work and my life. That feeling that I did not even recognise as anxiety.
It has returned in the last few weeks and it has been like the good old bad old days. I sit and remember what it was like eleven or so years ago when it all started. It is interesting to read eleven years, as it so didn’t start just then, I have no idea how long it has been going but it is finely tuned.
I had a clear mammogram, the third since my cancer and it was something to celebrate but my fast brain kicked in not four steps out of the surgeon’s door, not even at reception and my brain was saying well that is three years but you need to hold off until it is five years. Who does that? How does that automatic thought kick in faster than I can even comprehend, it grabs me before I have had time to even think let alone celebrate.
So I am doing a thought diary, I resisted and I ignored it for some days and then when I realised this was not a feeling I liked and this was not something I had to allow to continue, that I knew strategies that worked before and that I could at least try again …. then I started to write. I wrote a few things down and they went away …. remember, that is what happens, remember, remember, remember!
So back to it I went this evening, writing so much I have run out of space which I guess will give us lots to talk about … and now I am trying to remember to breathe because that works almost instantly. Breathe … one, two, three, four … hold … one, two three, four … breathe not with the chest but with the abdomen … you know how so just get on with it.