… in the early spring evening. Looking up.
… in the early spring evening. Looking up.
… writing always makes me feel better, but as with most things recently it has not been given time. I make lists … who else makes lists? The lists could include things like do mindfulness, walk, read …. this last week or so I have been reading and I have been really enjoying it again. I have this theory that my brain does not work like it used to, as in before my chemical friends did their job on The Cancer. But a friend mentioned that screens have a toll on us, they phaff about with our attention, we skit and scatter and concentrating for a length of time on a book gets mucked up. I know I can read, have been able to for decades but sometimes it takes so long to read just a page. So this last week I have finished my first book for the year and it is October.
Walking has also been happening and space needs to be made for it when work starts again next week, it clears my head when it is warm when the sun is shining. I also need to move, get back on the looking after my physical self, be ready for the Carmen’s 10km walk in two months. Walk or train every day … there is the start of another list.
People are needed, no more time without things planned in the holidays, too many days in my own head … it leaves too much time to fill with thoughts of things that are not necessarily going to happen, it is a whole mind racing mess. As my best friend messaged today “You can’t worry about something that hasn’t happened right?”
So to writing … of any sort … a project would be good but anything will do. Let’s see how it goes.
Am sitting with a fair bit of anxiety at the moment, it hits me and sits like rocks in my stomach, weighing me down.
I know what it is about, I thought it was a specific work thing but sitting with it today I know it is mostly about the mammogram I’m having a week from tomorrow. As the years go on the anxiety increases coming into this time of year. I can still hear the doctor at the genetic clinic saying the key was that five-year mark.
Five years, five years, five years, five years, five years.
Get through this year, promise to take care of myself then do another and another and another and another. Then let it be and settle into a proper perspective? What is a proper perspective and is there ever one?
I’ve got the lazies, I sat about in my pjs today, watching total trash – absolute utter trash – instead of sitting outside in the sunshine, warming my bones, reading a book and nurturing my soul.
Are you reading this? If so hello. So did they come?
Time given to caring for myself that is what the next week needs to be, calm and use strategies that I have been given. Let’s start with tomorrow.
Tomorrow …. warm sunshine, the back porch and my book – finish the one I have been reading all year and start another.
Tomorrow … walk, walk, walk – try 2kms and see how I go.
Tomorrow … breathe, sit with mindfulness, using the app with the man whose voice I find soothing.
Tomorrow, perhaps write some more.
So did they come? Those babies?
… write … yesterday I was meandering through Instagram as is my want … there was a photo with news that no one who has had cancer wanted to see.
But what to write …. because it isn’t about me but it is …. that fear that sits under the surface, waiting to launch, to take over and make your heart race.
It might grab you when you panic you didn’t ‘like’ every BCNA and other cancer related post, it might grab you when you see Olivia Newton-John on The Project, third lot of cancer in tow.
It is likely to sneak up on you as the date of your annual check is coming up … it will show up in the OCD behaviours that appear and start to take hold. As each year passes the panic on the day of the mammogram grows …. the waiting for the results.
My surgeon is away in October so the choice was do the mammogram when it is due in October (originally it was August four years ago but it has moved and that in itself has panicked me) or wait til November when he is back. There was no way I was waiting, so the results will go to my oncologist who will get to share them with me … my appointment with him is a week or so later but we so know I am not waiting that long.
Tell me and tell me now!
Let me breathe another year!
Let me promise to take care of myself this coming year because it isn’t back.
… what the day will bring.
I stand at the front of the school each morning saying hello to the students as they arrive.
Last week one of them came running up all excited to show me a peacock feather.
Who knows what tomorrow will bring … always have your smile ready and your eyes pealed.