Anxiety is …

… a little fucker!

It sneaks up on you, it hides undetected for days, weeks or months and then when you aren’t ready it pounces.

It jumps onto your back and clings … dragging on you … it sneaks in and suddenly you notice your thinking or your acting isn’t quite right … suddenly you notice you are walking on cracks or not on cracks and you stop, look down and realize what you are doing. Sometimes it makes you talk fast, sometimes it makes your breathing all wrong, sometimes it stops your sleep, sometimes it wakes you in the night … sometimes it just won’t let go …

My psychologist … now there is something I have only started saying because of “The Cancer” … and I had a conversation that revolved around anger and did I get angry much … I can’t say that I yell much anymore … she suggested it might do me good … so if you see me in the car now and then you might do a double take … as I yell ‘Fuck you cancer!’ A simple thing that has made me breathe easier can I say … how odd … it has worked so well and I am sure she will be quite pleased with herself when I report it on Saturday!

So the anxiety at the moment is heightened because tomorrow I have a mammogram. Last year at this time I was not this anxious, in fact I wasn’t anxious at all … or maybe I recognize it so much more now when I am anxious … or maybe I was still in the treatment phase of thinking even though the active treatment had finished a couple of months beforehand … I don’t know, I guess in my little head it had gone and now in that dark, dark room at the back of my mind, where I rarely go, the thought of what if it comes back is trying to get out and torment me … as I write this my heart has started to race, my breathing – already buggered from asthma and the cold weather – has lost it’s mind … if I was talking I would be racing … you can hear my thinking racing in this shambles of lines … my leg is not jiggering because I am concentrating on holding it still … my jaw is clenched and I am trying not to crunch my teeth …

Please don’t think I am writing this to have everyone say, oh don’t worry you will be fine or I am sure it will be all clear … it was hard to write that last line and I have never been worried about it not being clear before, even in 2014 when it was far from clear … I am writing to get this out of my head … if you read this post and like it then click away … if you want to say something make it love you, hugs …

So I am staying up late as that is one of my favourite things to do … I will then sleep in … again one of my favourite things to do … then I will head off for this mammogram and then wait for the results … hearing from my oncologist on Thursday I hope … and for the rest of my Wednesday I will be found at The Counter, enjoying lunch and coffee and reading my book … then I will head home to cook … another of my favourite things to do … and I might write a little … so perhaps chat to you again then and certainly chat again when I get the results …

This entry was posted in Anxiety, Asthma, Australia, Breathe, Breathless, Cancer, Care, Health, Heart, Life, Melbourne, Memories, Mental health, The things that make you go grrrr ..., The things that make you go hmmm ..., The things that make you scream!, The things you feel ..., The things you notice, The things you realize ..., The things you remember ..., The things you write ..., Winter. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Anxiety is …

  1. Di Brandie says:

    Gorgeousness I have a psychologist too so don’t fret X Now with anxiety I have a 5 point management plan that has never failed to break an attack, and when I have a bad one my throat closes up, making me gasp and feel shaky… I’ll post it to your facebook because I’m otherwise computer illiterate. Huge hugs…. love you dearly, posting shortly..

  2. kathmurdoch says:

    I love reading your words. I love your courage – and I love you! and I think I’ll just call you now…but if I don;t get on to you, know you were being thought of today….and if anyone can slay the beast of anxiety -you can xxx

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